Resilience…Healing Through Love

The day after I wrote that last blog post, Handling What Is Too Hard To Handle, I drove to Barre, Massachusetts to join our 12-member faculty supporting close to 40 survivors and family members of mass shootings at the first Healing Through Love retreat.

Initiated by folks from the Parkland community in Florida, the participants came from all around the United States. While this first retreat was only for adults, we ranged from newly adult (18) to nearly 80. We were black, brown, and white. We came from different spiritual traditions and class backgrounds. And while some had experienced far too many years carrying their losses of both loved ones and any sense of safety in their worlds, others were still in their first year of shock and grief.

There is nothing like a violent loss to blow open one’s empathic capacity. That level of pain rips open a person’s defenses.

You may know this personally: There is more pain than you can imagine surviving. You know you are forever changed, and it doesn’t often feel like “in a good way.”

But how you deal with the worst of the worst makes all the difference, especially as you feel more than you could have ever imagined… way beyond what you have felt could ever be your capacity to hold!

So what if you have experienced “the worst”?

You have seen this or maybe experienced it…

Some people collapse. They do not have the internal resources to keep going after such danger and loss. Feelings are numbed through substances or the shear force of a body being unable to cope. They get sick, withdraw, and hopelessness and helplessness take over their lives.

Others are consumed by rage. Bitterness, angry outbursts, an inability to allow grief to have any time or space to collapse and go through its own winter for healing lead to hypertension, the effort to harden one’s heart, and alienation towards all who were dear.

Some people remain in a state of hypervigilance—always on edge, ready to run out the door at the tiniest hint of danger, or instantly strike back in defense.

And if that describes me or my loved ones?

The good news is we know so much more about how Big Trauma affects our whole being. We know more about how trauma is the way our bodies—our nervous systems—get profoundly dysregulated. Somatic approaches, such as Somatic Experiencing originated by Dr. Peter Levine or Sensory Motor Processing and Dr. Stephen Porges and Deb Dana’s teachings about working with our “neuroception” (whether our nervous systems have determined whether something is safe, dangerous, or life-threatening before we are ever conscious of that). These approaches take trauma resolution out of being about your strength or weakness or “character” issues and are all gentler and more deeply effective approaches than old “flood you with trauma stimulation” methods were.

How do these folks handle such loss?

With the deepest sense of surrender to what you never hope to encounter.

With hope that they can build something better for others out of unestimable tragedy.

Certainly at this retreat there was plenty of trepidation that first night (and feeling it, I had real difficulty sleeping).

However, it was quickly clear that these people were undaunted.

Everyone personally knew and respected the grief that hurts beyond measure.

In having their lives and love shattered, they were strong.

Strong here means allowing full access to Grief, Anger, Fear, Loss, Harsh Reality…and Love, Tenderness, Vulnerability, Connection…and Openness where you have every reason to just close down forever.

Bonds were forged that continue to resonate. The retreat ended with a sense of powerful connection and desire to spread this retreat experience to others who have been through such trauma.

While not easy, certainly not fun, the spirit of courage that allows you to survive the biggest losses, and the willingness to FEEL the feelings feeds the fire of Resilience.

In this case, what helped?

Allowing the overwhelming grief to have a seat at the table.

Learning to work with one’s neurobiology of the experience of trauma as well as the inevitable hyper-reactivity so that posttraumatic stress can begin to shift into posttraumatic growth.

Willingness to experiment with multiple approaches to meditation, yoga, breathing exercises to reduce posttraumatic and daily stress.

Personal expression through various art forms.

Forging bonds in supporting our community through “yogi-jobs” with the main one here being meal clean-up and dishwashing.

Getting active in the efforts to reduce gun violence as well as support other survivors.

And laughter, songs, hugs, sharing resources, and creating community.

I feel so very lucky to have met these amazing people who are loving, kind, tenacious, and committed to building empathic resilience for themselves and in their communities.

You CAN Be Empathically Resilient

Yes, though not easy or fun or something I would wish on any of us, you CAN have deep empathy for your own and others’ pain AND be resilient and strong even when you were overwhelmed by literal life-and-death issues.

Trauma can shut off your connection to yourself and others. Building tribe somewhere, somehow is essential. Well worth the effort!!!

Getting professional help where your own nervous system and soul were overwhelmed is as essential as seeking expert help for any other challenge you face in your life…from car trouble to other health issues to your very soul!

Let me know your struggles…and your successes in building your resilience.

P.S.

If you haven’t signed up for my mailing list, you can do right here. I will immediately send you two FREE guided meditations to increase your sense of safety and presence, along with the “why” you are doing what you are doing. Also you can then be alerted when I launch my course, the “Build Better Boundaries” BETA as well as other offerings that teach you to be both highly empathic AND able to thrive with that sensitivity.