Boundaries. We talk about them all the time, particularly in the sense of “So-and-so has no boundaries!”
I use the term boundaries a little differently than how many people do, but I think ultimately it is a more accurate way to think about this term. Blame me if you don’t like it, but give credit to Dr. Linda Berg-Cross at Howard University if you too find it clarifying. She made this distinction between “boundaries” and “limits” that I have found more accurate and immensely helpful.
OK, so Boundaries are essentially the lines that mark where you end and I begin. We all have them, physically and emotionally, even if we share a lot in the resonance between us.
So there’s really no such thing as “Spencer has no boundaries.” Of course Spencer, as an individual, has boundaries.
Look at Spencer. Notice that Spencer is a different person than you. You two may be close, you may even be enmeshed, but you are still essentially two different people. And you will have different desires and needs.
So if you feel like Spencer is demanding too much of you or too dependent on you, the issue here isn’t that “Spencer has no boundaries.” The issue is whether Spencer has the ability to set appropriate Limits in what is demanded or expected of you.
Three Types of Boundaries
There are three essential descriptors for the ways boundaries can operate: Rigid, Loose, and Clear.
Boundaries may be rigid and closed to others and incoming experience. This is true of groups of people, such as a family, as well as of individuals.
No matter what, you just can’t penetrate those boundaries. There is no openness to other thoughts, ideas, ways of doing things. There is a very narrow range of what is acceptable or shared.
The person may come across as grandiose and entitled or just closed and shutdown.
It’s Spencer’s way…or the highway…and hard for you on the outside to perhaps discern what is really in Spencer’s heart.
If the boundaries are too loose, everything about the person or the family or group is too open. It is unwieldy. It feels like a free-for-all, hard to distinguish between “them” and “me.” It seems there are no limits to the expectations or the “over-sharing.”
So if Spencer’s boundaries are too wide open, you may feel like being together is too sticky, clingy, with too much closeness demanded of you, and that either Spencer becomes the martyr or you get criticized as being insensitive if you don’t understand…and respond to…Spencer’s every need.
What we want to aim for is clear boundaries. I respect where you end and I begin. You do the same with me.
It is clear what is OK and not OK to give and to take in, and that is clearly and appropriately communicated to others.
Here you can respect Spencer’s individuality and still be close, and you feel Spencer does the same with you.
You can respectfully work through your differences. You both can say “no”…and offer a heartfelt clear “yes” when that is doable, sustainable and something that actually helps you feel closer to one another.
In reality, we will each have areas of our lives where we tend to be more rigid, loose, or clear.
What makes for the most coherent and healthy life is to be clear, and to be able to quickly adapt in a healthy and sustainable way to whatever is appropriate to the incoming experience.
Clear boundaries. Healthy and resilient boundaries.
Comment:
Thinking about boundaries, which characterizes your own predominant boundary style? What could you monitor for yourself to be more clear in your own boundaries in respecting the differences and needs between you and others? Let me know below.
P.S. This is such a big topic for Empaths that I am offering a course, Build Better Boundaries, so that you can develop healthy boundaries for yourself. Important, don’t you think? If you haven’t already, get your free PDF and
so that you can get started in turning down the Empathic Distress NOW and be alerted as soon as Build Better Boundaries goes live! The cleaner our own boundaries, the more we can actually help others!
