Toxic People.
Ugh.
We will encounter toxic people, no matter how strong, differentiated, empathic, or perceptive we are at sniffing out toxicity from far away.
At work, in our families, among our neighbors and acquaintances, in our spiritual communities…in short, anywhere we go.
And when you are a super sensitive person, someone’s toxicity can creep up on you from repeated exposure until you realize you are caught in their poisonous trap, or it can hit you like a physical force, so that you instantly feel just awful.
But still we gotta deal. Unfortunately, the world is not being continually scrubbed clean like some soap commercial.
Here’s what I have learned to do when “Just GET AWAY” isn’t going to work (which is usually)…
Whether I sense toxicity instantly or whether it stealthily begins to overtake me, I have to remember that I cannot change anybody.
First, they have to want to change—and only they can effect change in themselves.
And usually the Toxic Person is not aware and not ready to even consider any need to change. Because…either they are wedded to their Victimhood or they are perfect and all of what’s wrong is about YOU!
So here’s what I know:
I am responsible for my own well-being. While it would sure be more humane for the toxic person to have some sensitivity and respect for me as another person, a) they probably are not going to change, and b) I cannot make them clear out their toxicity and play nice, even as psychologically skilled as I am.
So I have to go for the ABC remedy of getting untangled from them as soon as I realize “TOXIC.”
A. Which means physically creating and keeping my distance.
B. Psychologically reminding myself this is about them, and I cannot change or even appease them.
C. Respecting that I WILL have my own reactions:
- The urge to flee. (Do it—as fast as you can! This is an urge worth respecting. Highly!)
- Anger, even rage. (Self-protection—you KNOW it is toxic and wrong. However, be careful with the rage. Be mindful with acting from the anger, but respect its wisdom.)
- Guilt that I must have done something wrong. (I usually didn’t—at least not at the level of the toxic person’s accusation!)
- Shame, which is probably my energetically picking up their abdication of their own pain, guilt, and shame—but it feels awful inside of me nonetheless. And it is critical for me to get curious and compassionate about my experience of shame, because shame is so powerful and can lead to….
- Shutdown, in which I go numb, can’t speak, and have difficulty doing anything in response. Then it is almost impossible to get away!
Now all of these are actually survival responses, so none of them are “bad.” The “flight” response is probably the healthiest, along with the assertive power of the “fight” one.
The Guilt, Shame, and Shutdown responses are often indications of earlier wounds from others’ extreme toxicity (such as abuse or neglect). These need more compassionate healing and skills that build up your own capacity to value yourself, such as self-compassion, healthy boundaries, and assertiveness.
So I do ask you to be very respectful and gentle with the guilt/shame/shutdown responses.
That is where I am eager to teach you to build better boundaries and how to work with guilt, shame, and shutdown, because we all experience it—and Empaths especially.
Nothing like already being super sensitive and FEELING and SENSING so much more of the toxicity to really immobilize you.
However, here is recap of the roadmap to relief:
- You will have to deal with toxic people.
- They will probably never change, no matter how hard you try to get them to.
- Awareness and self-care are THE best remedies for yourself!
- Your main remedy is to GET OUT. You will be oh so glad you did!!!
P.S. Want to start getting grounded and more secure in your own system? Click here to get two FREE guided meditations and an E-Book that explains what these meditations help you do. Also then you will be the early bird hearing about courses and other offering designed to help you be a Resilient Empath!
